Two words to settle any dispute

From time to time, you will find yourself in one of these conversations. You know, the ones that are important because a lot is at stake, it’s often an emotional topic and people have different opinions. Negotiations about pay rises. Conversations about not having adventures in the bedroom with your spouse. Having to tell your friend that you forgot to water his plants while he was on holiday and none but the cacti survived.

Two words to settle any argument

According to the New York Times bestseller Crucial Conversations, there is one key element that is vital to the success of these conversations. You must ensure a free flow of relevant information. Simply put, everyone should feel safe saying what they think is important, so you have all the relevant information at your disposal. You can then use this information to narrow down the issues and resolve them.

If you don’t do this, you are working with faulty assumptions that will lead to faulty decisions, otherwise known as rubbish. Tell a mechanic that your car feels ‘weird’ while driving, and the poor guy will spend half a day looking for the cause or not be able to find it at all. But if you tell him that you hit a kerb the day before, the first thing he’ll do is look at the axles and wheels.

Unfortunately, this is not always easy. People don’t always feel safe to admit to their mechanic that they’re a shitty driver, and they don’t always feel safe expressing thoughts in their head. But how can you prevent emotional themes from escalating? Saying “calm down” often doesn’t help. How do you create rapport and understanding? The solution is simple: be polite.

Be who?

To be nice, you first need to understand what that actually means. It doesn’t mean you have to let people walk all over you. It doesn’t mean that you have to suppress what ails you and pretend that everything is fine. It doesn’t mean you have to give up. Robert Kandell, author of unHIDDEN, says: “being good means telling the truth without anger”.

Although this definition is already great, I want to add to it. To be good, you must also accept the opinions of others without evaluating them as a person. Instead, if you want to build excellent relationships, you want to be good. Express your position without anger and make it safe for the other person as well. This is especially important for a man.

As a man, you often find yourself brave enough to solve a problem, and that’s great. The problem is that we men are often also a little undiplomatic and insensitive in the way we express ourselves. Unknowingly, you can intimidate or provoke others. They won’t share their thoughts because they’re either too scared or they don’t want to hurt your ego and piss you off. My ex-girlfriend once didn’t tell me she threw up birth control until we had sex that day and I asked what happened a million times. One Plan B and a long conversation later, I realised she wasn’t a woman but was so afraid of my reaction she didn’t want to tell me. I didn’t give her a chance to share what was on her mind.

Take notes, guys. I’m not saying that you, as a man, are solely responsible for creating a safe space for conversation, but you can and should be the driving force. It’s as simple as saying: look, I don’t want to blame you or quarrel with you, and I will do my best to remain calm and non-judgmental. Please share with me what’s on your mind so we can find a solution together.

This is not limited to romantic partners, but also works well in a social or business setting.

But what if I get angry?

When you find yourself in these situations, things can heat up quickly. You’re talking about an emotional topic and your ego is under attack, which can cause you to let go of all rational thought and let your emotions run wild. I know how you feel when the words hit the mark. Your stomach clenches, blood runs through your veins, your muscles tense, and your brain rushes to collect the answer that will show them who’s in charge here.

I’ve been there, I’ve done it more times than I can count. Look, I know you don’t want to read what I’m about to say, but it’s true. If you’re angry, you’re weak.

Anger is an emotion, and as such you are responsible for how you react to it. If you let it control you, make you angry and control your behaviour, you are weak.